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Faux History

The Faux family began the museum tradition over ten thousand years ago. The Faux Museum was the first museum in the world and among its so called peers it is by far the oldest. Approximately ten thousand years ago the Faux family, after a trek across Asia and Siberia, crossed the Beringia land bridge and reached what is now the American state of Alaska. Within a few years of their arrival Ug  Faux was born. Ug, who wore only black furs, eventually opened the first Faux Museum in a cave next to their igloo hut near present day Nenana. Nenana is just over a hundred miles west of Fairbanks and thirty miles north of Clear. All are presently connected by Highway US A-3. The museum’s location was actually north of Nenana where present day North Nenana on the Tanana River on the Parks Highway where that oversized yellow Quonset hut house is. It’s for sale now for $210,000 but I’m pretty sure they’ll take $185,000, $190,000 or even less for cash.

The last 500,000 years of life on earth during the Cenozoic Era are known as the Quaternary Period. The Quaternary Period is divided into two epochs. The first 490,000 years of the Quaternary Period are known as the Pleistocene, or glacial epoch. The most recent ten or eleven thousand years are known as the Holocene epoch. Most of the history of the Faux museum can be found in the Holocene, but the origins of the Faux museum curatorial family began at the end of the Pleistocene in what is now the island country of Ireland.

During this time, due to the massive glaciation of the northern continents, the ocean levels were quite a bit lower and many of the islands of today were connected to other land masses. The islands of the United Kingdom were thus attached to present day Europe at the time.  According to legend O. Faux and his family were persuaded to travel eastward out of Ireland through what is now England and over the continent by a group of irate clansmen carrying stones and flinging threats and insults serious enough for the Fauxs to rest only after they had crossed the Himalayan mountains (which were considerably shorter at the time). In a village which is now known as Kashi, O Faux was struck by a stone in the head and perished. The grievance of the rock throwing clansmen is no longer known but they left Lady Faux unharmed and returned to their homes as they were. Lady Faux was taken in by the locals who were traveling northeast following the migrating mammoths and mastodons. As it turned out Lady Faux was with child and after only a few full moons ada Faux was born. Ada and Lady Faux lived with these tribesmen as the continued northeast for what we think now must have been several decades.

When they reached the end of the Siberian peninsula where today we find the Bering Straight they found Beringia (which of course is our modern name derived from the great explorer Bering.) They did not find water there instead they found a land bridge at least sixty miles wide. This land bridge was made possible by the impediment they were soon to discover. As previously stated glaciers covered much of the earth. All of Canada and some of America were covered with glaciers up to two miles thick. Up to 30% of the land mass of the earth was covered by glaciers at time. All of these enormous glaciers held huge amounts of water lowering the ocean levels and thus opening land bridges such as Beringia and the one that allowed O Faux to flee from England to Europe without getting his moccasins wet.

When Ada and his mother reached present day Alaska they built a home while waiting for the glaciers to melt. Lady Faux encouraged Ada over and over and over to take a mate or else no one would have him at his advanced age. Ada finally gave in and shacked up with Snow and soon Ug Faux was born. Ada had become an incomparable hunter and was killing large mammals such as mastodons, woolly mammoths, giant sloths, and Bison, among other large mammals. Gradually the glaciers began to recede and shrink and about 10,000 or 11,000 years ago some of the bison slipped between the the slowly retreating Cordilleran ice sheet and the larger Laurentide glacier to the east. These ice sheets had covered the entirety of Canada on down into the northern regions of the United States. The ice was up to two miles thick in the north and slipped well into the Midwest far south of Chicago*.

 

*Residents of present day Chicago would barely recognize this frozen, yet less windy, minitropolis.

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